


this unruly heart of mine

by PrinceDrew



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Christmas, Connor is Alive AU, Crushes, Diet Angst, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Gift Fic, Just gals being pals, LGBTQ Club AU, LGBTQ Themes, Pining, Useless Lesbians, a late gift fic, and one useless bisexual, background connor/evan, but like, but the idea is there, i'll come back to these tags later, minor coming out
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-31
Updated: 2017-12-31
Packaged: 2019-02-22 03:03:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,332
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13157886
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PrinceDrew/pseuds/PrinceDrew
Summary: Maybe Zoe was waiting for Alana outside her own classroom. Maybe it was presumptuous of her to wait rather than look for Zoe. Maybe Zoe wasn’t even there that day -“Alana?” a soft voice asked, so Alana looked up to see who it was. And then her heart stopped for the briefest of moments becauseoh.Oh.Zoe Murphy was pretty from afar. She was pretty in Instagram photos. She was even prettier close up.Oh fuck, Alana thought, heart now hammering in her chest.I am really, really gay.





	this unruly heart of mine

**Author's Note:**

> Author’s note: Alternate title: Merry (Late) Christmas Lou, you Fucking Angel
> 
> This is a Christmas present for the great and amazing nose-coffee aka Lou who is like. Just pretty amazing you guys read her stuff if you haven't because it's all very good stuff and I'm still amazed we're friends.
> 
> Anyway, take a shot every time it’s obvious I don’t know how the American school system or America in general works.

On paper, Alana ran the LGBTQ+ club.

On paper, Alana ran a lot of things, but the LGBTQ+ club stood out in particular, mostly because it was essentially her personal project.

Her middle school didn’t have an LGBTQ+ club, and every time she tried to argue for one for the entire three years she was there, she was told the same excuses over and over again, as if she hadn’t understood them the first time.

There wasn’t enough students to justify it, which was invalid, since they had a Dungeons and Dragons club with a maximum of four students who went consistently. They didn’t have any space for a new club; also invalid, since her club would only need a classroom and most other clubs were sports based. No other student there was interested in such a club, despite the signatures on her petitions suggesting otherwise.

Eventually, they told her to wait until she got to high school to start up an LGBTQ+ club, so freshman year, she started her campaign for one yet again, going around once again with petitions that people most likely signed out of politeness and staying up late to research laws and rulings she might have needed to argue her case for one, and it was better to be prepared.

By sophomore year, she had her club, and was granted club leadership responsibilities.

So on paper, she ran it.

In reality, she never actually went, because there was always something else more important to do. She’d show up for the first five minutes, then vanish to wherever else needed her.

Jared Kleinman was the one who ran the actual meeting in her steed, which on paper, sounded like a disaster in the making. And it kinda was, given that his idea of a first meeting tended to involve him declaring himself the ‘benevolent dictator’ and leaving it at that.

But it went okay. They got into less trouble than the cookery club did and raised more money for charity than the student council and its fundraising drives did, so Jared must have been doing something right.

From what Alana could gather, there were a few core members that showed up every week on Wednesday, and the rest tended filter in and out as they saw fit. Connor Murphy was one of the core members, oddly enough though from what she saw, he tended to sit at the back of the classroom with his head down or writing in his notebook. Evan Hansen was also a regular, sitting by Connor most of the time, and Alana was sure they were dating, but they weren’t close enough acquaintances to ask, so she left it at what she saw.

It was December in her senior year when it all really began for her.

She was asking for suggestions as she normally did, already mentally organising the suggestions into ‘bad’ ‘maybe’ and ‘actually could possibly do’ when Connor Murphy raised his hand, looking as about as excited as a rock.

“Yeah, my sister wanted to see you about setting up one of these as a lunch club?” he said, his tone flat and his head propped up on his fist. “Something about how this clashes with Jazz Band for her? I don’t know, I wasn’t really listening to her.”

Alana could only blink. “Your sister?” she asked because, well. She hadn’t thought Zoe Murphy would be interested in this sort of thing.

Connor just nodded, like he was already gone from the conversation. “Like I said, wasn’t really listening to her. Do you want me to give you her number or something?”

“No, no,” she said, shaking her head. “I have her on Instagram.” Or Twitter. Maybe Facebook, but Alana only really used that to organise events. But definitely on Instagram at the very least. “I’ll send her a message on there. Anyone have more suggestions before I go?”

No one did, so Alana left them to Jared’s devices, heading towards the school library to help Miss Rosen with organising the shelves like she had been promising to for the past two weeks.

(She meant to help before, honest, she did. But things piled up, like they always did, even if they weren’t _meant_ to pile up.)

The fact she was meant to message Zoe slipped from her mind, mostly because immediately after school ended, she had to go straight to volunteering at the local library and reading books to children there, and after that, it was straight home to help her mom with cooking dinner.

It was busy. But she liked busy. Busy was good, because it meant she wasn’t thinking about stuff like college applications, or her grandma, or anything else that seemed a little too big for right then.

Yes. Busy was better for her.

“How are your college application essays going?” her dad asked her over dinner. “Have you started them yet?”

Alana shook her head, keeping her eyes on the plate of spaghetti before her. She didn’t even like pasta that much anymore. It just sort of clumped in her mouth and felt weird and hard to get down. Even from across the table, she could feel her dad frowning at her, so she forced a bite of pasta into her mouth.

“Early applications are already over,” he said, as if she wasn’t told that every day since they closed. “I know you didn’t mean to miss them, but the fact is you did, and that isn’t like you.” 

Shame churned in her stomach. She wasn’t that hungry anymore. She wasn’t sure if she was to begin with.

“I have a few ideas for essays,” she muttered, because she did, all stored as bullet points on a Word document she hadn’t touched for a week or so. “It’s just that I haven’t gotten around to writing any of them.”

“You need to,” he continued. “It’s your future, and you can’t just ignore it -”

“Leave her be,” her mom said, and she could hear her dad huff. “I’m sure she’ll start them soon.”

“I will,” Alana promised. “I’ll start them on -”

“You’ll start them when you start them,” her mom interrupted firmly. “There’s other things you need to focus on, you know? Like your extracurriculars and getting a girlfriend -”

“Oh _god_ ,” Alana groaned, dropping her fork and burying her head in her hands. “Mom, _don’t_.”

“I’m just saying, most people your age have had a partner by now,” her mom said. “You shouldn’t have to miss out on the experience just because you’re gay.”

On the one hand, Alana being out was good, especially as she came out on the way home from Girl Scout camp at the age twelve, when her dad asked her why she was crying and she had responded through choked sobs it was because she had a crush on Casey May, and she wasn’t ever going to see her again because she went to a different troop than her. That was good because she was sure she wouldn’t be able to come out years later, at the age of 17 where coming out seemed to be the done thing.

Her parents hadn’t even batted an eye. It probably helped a little that her grandma was a lesbian too.

On the other hand, they seemed a little too supportive of her, or at least her mom did. The idea of going to Pride was brought up each year, despite the thought of it and all the crowds terrifying Alana to the point of becoming dizzy with fear.

She knew she was lucky. Very, very lucky. It was just a little mortifying to have brought up nearly every day, like it was the extent of her and nothing else.

Oh, yes, that’s Alana, our daughter. We’re very proud of her - did you know she’s a lesbian?

The rest of dinner was spent not talking, Alana managing only half a plate of her food before dismissing herself.

Her guinea pigs, Cloud and Snowdrift, squeaked at her like they always when she entered her bedroom, so she gave them some hay while she ran through her homework in her homework in her head.

World History, an essay on the Great Depression’s effect on Europe, particular focus on Germany. AP English, explore how Shakespeare presents the disturbing aspects of human nature in Hamlet. Government and Politics, anti-discrimination laws -

Oh. She hadn’t messaged Zoe yet.

Right. Okay. Sending a message wasn’t - wasn’t that hard.

In theory.

In reality, she spent five minutes trying to work out what to say, because she knew Zoe in the same sense she knew most people, and that meant she didn’t know how to actually talk to her.

Eventually, she sent a message in the same way she sent emails enquiring volunteering, and threw her phone onto her bed and pretended it didn’t exist for a good half hour, focusing on grooming Cloud and Snowdrift, running the brush through their fur over and over again. When she checked her phone again, Zoe had replied, twenty-two minutes ago.

 _AlanaBeeBeck_ : Hi there Zoe! Connor said you wanted to speak to me about setting up a lunchtime club?

 _ZoStarryMurphy_ : Hi Alana!  
_ZoStarryMurphy_ : Yes, I keep meaning to catch you but I can never seem to find you  
_ZoStarryMurphy_ : Can we talk in person tomorrow?

Person. Right. She could do that.

 _AlanaBeeBeck_ : Of course we can. What’s your schedule for tomorrow?

Zoe had Chemistry when Alana had Psychology, which was right before lunch, and the classrooms were near enough each other they could catch each other and have a conversation.

For the rest of the night, Alana rehearsed what she would say to Zoe. _Yes, it’s a wonderful idea. No, don’t worry, I’ll help you take it to student council, and run it, if I can. It shouldn’t be too hard, I think._

It wouldn’t be too hard, she told herself as she went to bed. It couldn’t be that hard.

The idea that she’d somehow mess it all up and Zoe would abandon the idea of a lunchtime LGBTQ+ club weighed on her all morning. It plagued her thoughts through breakfast and her morning lessons, to the point where her notes seemed only half complete to her.

The thing was, if there was a lunchtime club, she could actually go. She could actually go and meet people, and maybe she’d make a friend or two there, who wouldn’t just message her for homework or tutoring or because they were in a group project together, and it wouldn’t be great but it be better than what she had -

She was getting ahead of herself.

Psychology passed by in that weird way when five minutes felt like an hour but twenty minutes went in a blink of an eye, and before she knew it, they were done learning about imprinting and it was lunchtime.

They hadn’t agreed on a place to meet, which wasn’t the best thing to do, so Alana just stood outside her Psychology classroom, refreshing her Instagram explore page and twitter feed just for something to do.

Maybe Zoe was waiting for Alana outside her own classroom. Maybe it was presumptuous of her to wait rather than look for Zoe. Maybe Zoe wasn’t even there that day -

“Alana?” a soft voice asked, so Alana looked up to see who it was. And then her heart stopped for the briefest of moments because _oh_.

Oh.

Zoe Murphy was pretty from afar. She was pretty in Instagram photos. She was even prettier close up.

 _Oh fuck_ , Alana thought, heart now hammering in her chest. _I am really, really gay_.

“Alana!” Zoe repeated, smiling at her. “I thought you might be here. Do you want to go somewhere quieter to talk?”

Right. Yes. They had to talk. Okay.

“Here’s just fine,” Alana said, shaking her head. “We shouldn’t be too long, and I’m sure you’d rather spend lunch with your friends than me.”

Zoe gave an odd sort-of half frown at that, shrugging a little as she did. “I don’t mind either way,” she said. “It’s not that big of deal. Wanna go to the library or something?”

“Of course,” Alana said, smiling back at Zoe, her heart still a little quicker than normal but much more calm now. “Lead the way.”

Not even two minutes later, they were sat on the floor in the library, in the little alcove that formed the high school’s selection of music theory books. It was small enough that they had to sit with their legs and sides pressed against each other’s, and it didn’t seem the most practical to Alana, but Zoe seemed comfortable enough, so she kept quiet.

There were stars on the cuffs on Zoe’s jeans, she noticed then. They were - they were adorable. Cute.

“Confession,” Zoe began, her voice just quiet enough to be called a whisper. “I have no idea how to start a club.”

“It’s a good thing I do then,” Alana replied, flattening out the hem of her dress. “Though I don’t think it’s technically opening a club, because the LGBTQ+ club already exists. It’s more of an extra meeting, I suppose. I guess the main thing we should focus on is reasons to justify why we need a lunchtime meeting.”

Zoe kept nodding along, still smiling all the while.

“I mean, there’s the reason why I wanted to, that’s probably a good enough reason,” she said, then her smile dropped into a frown, and she sighed. “And no offence, but Jared Kleinman leads the meetings, and I think that puts a lot of people off. Connor said he’s declared himself a benevolent dictator or something?”

“Benevolent dictator is right,” Alana confirmed. “Jared’s not - not too bad if you’re used to him. And I’m not too sure we could use him as a reason for a lunchtime meeting.”

“A lot of people aren’t used to him,” Zoe muttered, then she paused. “There’s people who are closeted and probably don’t want to risk staying for the current one.”

“That’s a good point,” Alana agreed, and then paused herself. “We should probably be writing these down.”

“We should,” Zoe said, so Alana got out her personal organiser and started jotting down the reasons they had already said, minus the Jared one.

Conversation flowed easily between them as lunch ticked by, one them suggesting a reason as to why they needed a lunchtime meeting, considering if it would be taken seriously or not, and adding or discarding it as such.

Something warm and happy and nice kept swimming around inside of Alana, and she couldn’t stop herself from smiling, even just a little. Zoe kept smiling too, and tucking her hair behind her ear and her voice was - nice. Very nice. Like she could read the dictionary and make it sound like a good story kind of nice.

Before either of them knew it, the bell for the end of lunch sounded. Neither of them moved for a moment, though Alana slipped her personal organiser back into her bag.

“I have English next,” she said, because she felt like something needed to be said. “With Mr Wick. It’s his room we use for meetings, and he’s technically the club supervisor, so I’ll bring up the idea with him while I remember.”

“...how can someone be ‘technically’ a group supervisor?” Zoe asked, frowning as though she was concerned. 

“From what Jared’s told, he just uses it as time for marking rather than actually showing up and supervising anyone,” Alana told her, finally standing up. “I’ll message you tonight to let you know what he says. Talk to you later.”

“Talk to you later,” Zoe echoed, and Alana left, her heart once again deciding to pound in her chest, walking along the corridor to her classroom in a daze. She didn’t remember much of her walk, nor of the brief conversation she had with Mr Wick before she sat down at her desk, because one thought kept running itself over and over again through her mind.

_Zoe Murphy is very, very pretty and she’s very, very nice._

“Alright guys,” Mr Wick said, clapping his hands together as he stood at the front of the classroom, “it’s time for some Hamlet queer theory.”

She messaged Zoe as soon as she got home that night.

 _AlanaBeeBeck_ : Mr Wick thought a lunchtime club would be a good idea! He said he’d bring it up next chance he got, so I think he’s going to sort it out for us. All we really have to do now is wait.

Zoe herself didn’t respond until after Alana had finished her dinner and homework and was tending to Cloud and Snowdrift again.

 _ZoStarryMurphy_ : That’s great!  
_ZoStarryMurphy_ : Also I think Connor had Mr Wick last year  
_ZoStarryMurphy_ : Isn’t he the teacher that’s given up while also still trying?  
_ZoStarryMurphy_ : Also can I ask you something?

A question. Zoe wanted to ask Alana question.

A question that could be anything at all.

Okay. Nothing to panic. Nothing to panic about at all.

 _AlanaBeeBeck_ : That’s… an oddly accurate description of him, I will admit. But yes.  
_AlanaBeeBeck_ : And sure, go ahead. What is it?

 _ZoStarryMurphy_ : Where does the ‘Bee’ in your username come from?  
_ZoStarryMurphy_ : Sorry if it’s a weird question, I was just wondering

Her name. Zoe wanted to know about her username.

Right. That was - was a little disappointing, but not too bad. Could have been worse.

 _AlanaBeeBeck_ : Oh don’t worry! It’s a shortening of my middle name, Phoebe, because AlanaPBeck didn’t look nice as a username. I was named after my grandma’s partner who died about a month before I was born.  
_AlanaBeeBeck_ : My grandma insisted I be named after her partner and not her, so I was named Alana Phoebe. It’s nice, but that means my initials are AP and I can’t help but think there’s some kind of irony in that.

 _ZoStarryMurphy_ : Oh I’m sorry to hear that.  
_ZoStarryMurphy_ : Your grandma’s partner, not your initials. The initial thing is kinda funny  
_ZoStarryMurphy_ : So your grandma’s a lesbian? That’s pretty cool

Her grandma.

Alana didn’t speak much about her grandma anymore. The only person she had really talked about her grandma to was Evan, and that was because she had cornered him in the corridor and talked at him until she had to leave.

When she was alive, Alana would talk to her grandmother about her feelings more than she did with her parents, because her grandmother seemed a little - a little better at it than her parents were, and she didn’t really have any friends that she could talk about things with.

Then her grandma died. 

And Alana was left without anyone to talk to. About it. About anything.

Her mom got a sad look in her eyes when Alana mentioned her grandmother. Her dad just told her the pain would pass, and she had to make her proud. There wasn’t really anyone outside of that to talk to.

She jumped as her phone buzzed in hands, shaking her head, her heart pounding and checking her phone.

There was a message from Zoe. 

_ZoStarryMurphy_ : Alana, are you okay? 

Blinking, she opened it up, and there, above Zoe’s, was a message she didn’t remember sending.

Her heart dropped as she read it back.

 _AlanaBeeBeck_ : She was amazing. She died over the summer because she broke her hip and there were a lot of complications after that but she was pretty cool when she was alive and I just miss her a lot you know and I didn’t really cry at the funeral because I was reading something out but maybe I should have cried then.

With shaking hands, she typed out a reply, taking deep and steady breaths all the while.

 _AlanaBeeBeck_ : I’m sorry.  
_AlanaBeeBeck_ : You can just ignore that. I didn’t mean to spill all of that on you.

Of course she’d fuck up. Of course she would fuck up in the one place where it was almost impossible to fuck up.

Zoe probably wouldn’t want to talk to her anymore. Alana couldn’t blame her.

Was she crying? She didn’t know if she was crying or not in that moment. Her eyes were damp, but her cheeks were dry.

Her phone buzzed again. Another message from Zoe.

 _ZoStarryMurphy_ : But are you okay?  
_ZoStarryMurphy_ : I’m sorry if I’m prying, but you don’t seem to be right now and I don’t think I can just leave that

Oh.

That wasn’t - she wasn’t -

Concern.

Concern was odd, and it occurred to Alana for just a moment that it shouldn’t be, but she pushed that thought aside.

 _AlanaBeeBeck_ : I’m okay. It’s just I don’t talk about my grandma a lot.  
_AlanaBeeBeck_ : But I am okay, trust me. I have my guinea pigs with me, and I think I’ll go to bed soon anyway.

She should have gone to bed then, really. Just said something along the lines that she was tired and stressed from school, because that was believable enough.

 _ZoStarryMurphy_ : If you’re sure, and if you need to talk, just message me at anytime  
_ZoStarryMurphy_ Also you have guinea pigs??? Uh??? Pictures now please??????

More concern. But she had asked for pictures of Cloud and Snowdrift.

That - Alana could deal with that, so she sent a message thanking Zoe with a smiley face, and a few photos of Cloud and Snowdrift, explaining which one was which. Cloud was a little fatter, but had shorter fur than Snowdrift, and she, in turn, had darker markings than Cloud.

Zoe reacted with heart eye emojis and said they were like fluffy baby clouds and that she wanted to meet them. Which would involve her coming over to Alana’s house and meeting her parents and her mom would probably smile at her but say something to Alana later and -

Alana sent Zoe a picture of her guinea pigs from when she first got them and said goodnight, before switching off her phone so she wouldn’t stay up all night overthinking it.

When they saw each other at school the next day, Zoe smiled brightly at Alana, as if they were friends and not just acquaintances. Which was - a little weird for Alana, but nothing too bad, so she smiled back at her. And she did it on Monday as well, even though they hadn’t talked for the entire weekend.

It was nice, in an odd sense.

On Tuesday, Mr Wick told Alana that he had pulled a few favours and managed to get them to agree to have a lunchtime LGBTQ+ club every Thursday lunch starting from after Christmas break, provided that he was there and the meetings didn’t spill into lesson time.

“Oh,” Alana had said, blinking once, twice. “Oh.”

She hadn’t expected it to be as simple as that. She had expected another round of arguing, and meetings, and getting nowhere if it wasn’t for persistence.

“Thank you,” she said, swallowing, and smiling at Mr Wick. “I’ll let Zoe know. Thank you.”

As soon as she sat down on her desk, she sent a message to Zoe before sliding her phone back into her bag.

 _AlanaBeeBeck_ : We got the lunchtime club! It’ll start after the holidays, so if you want, we can meet up again Thursday lunch to discuss what we could do for the first meeting?

When she checked her phone at lunch, Zoe had replied almost immediately to Alana’s message, with an abundance of emojis in celebrations, followed by a request to ‘ban Jared and my brother from attending’ though ‘not Evan, Evan’s okay’. And Alana -

Alana laughed, giddiness bubbling up inside her.

It felt - it felt good, to laugh at a message from an acquaintance like that.

(Except it wasn’t fair to call Zoe an acquaintance, not really. Not when she made Alana feel things in the same way Casey May did.)

Alana announced the new lunchtime club at the LGBTQ+ meeting the next day, to which there was polite, if disaffected, clapping.

“Can’t believe you’re staging a coup against me,” Jared sighed, shaking his head. “Alana Beck, I trusted you, and you betray me like this? I expected this from Connor, not you.”

“I… don't think having another meeting is staging a coup,” Alana said over Connor’s very distinct ‘oh fuck you’. “It’s just making the meetings the more accessible for people. If anything, this just extends your power.”

From the back of the classroom, Evan piped up. “Please, uh, please don’t en - encourage him.”

“No, keep encouraging me, you’re the only one who does,” Jared said, leaning back on his chair, before blinking and shaking his head. “Oh, yeah, do you want to join in the secular secret present exchange for next week? Limit is like ten bucks, it has to be either pride-themed or baked goods, and there’s a wild card chance of getting everyone because, you know, fuck the establishment.”

“You’re the fucking establishment here!” Connor called from the back of the classroom. “No one’s going to fuck you!”

Jared didn’t even blink. “Guess you don’t know your mom’s type then, asshole.”

“Dick.”

“Sh-”

“I’ll join,” Alana interrupted quickly. “Add me to the list, please.”

“Can do,” Jared said, finally leaning back forwards so he could jot her name down on a piece of paper, before pausing. “Actually, if you’re doing it, we should probably draw now, ‘cause you probably have somewhere to be.”

She didn’t, actually. The freshman she was meant to be tutoring that day had messaged her that lunch, saying that she had to go home because she was sick, and the counsellor she had meant to be talking college application essays with had cancelled on her. So Alana had planned on staying that day, if only for that meeting. But it would be weird to correct Jared after he said that. It would be weirder to stay.

Maybe she could just study in the library again. That would - That would a safe thing to do.

“Anyone got a hat?” Jared asked, torn strips of paper in his hands, and a girl Alana vaguely recognised as a sophomore handed him a baseball cap, and Jared shoved the strips in, then held it out to her. “Alana, as the person who actually runs this bootleg therapy session, you get first pick, and please ignore my dyspraxia-riddled handwriting, no one else was willing to write this.”

He waited for her to take a piece of paper from the hat before taking off around the classroom with a flourish that seemed distinctly Jared. Alana squinted at the piece of paper she had plucked out of the hat. Was it two ‘H’s in the middle or two ‘N’s? ‘C’ to begin with, then an ‘O’ -

“Oh, _motherfucker_ -”

Ah, right. Connor. She had gotten Connor. That wasn’t too bad. It was an acquaintance of hers, at least.

Okay. It had to be either baked goods or pride related, and she wasn’t exactly sure what Connor identified as, so baked goods it had to be.

She bid the club goodbye, though she wasn’t sure if she was heard over Evan’s protests that he drew his own name and Jared’s reply of ‘treat yo self’. It occurred to her as she was walking to the library that she didn’t have to stay in school. Not at that moment.

She could just - leave, and no one would say anything to anyone.

No one was expecting her to do anything. For once, she didn’t have anything scheduled to do after. The end of the semester was approaching, so homework had started to peter off and was easier to complete now. There was nothing she had to do.

Nothing was odd. Nothing wasn’t what she was used to. Nothing was -

A crash from one of the rooms, followed by a shriek of “ _Fuck! _”, and Alana’s inner Girl-Scout-slash-desire-to-be-busy kicked into gear, so she burst into the room from where the shriek came from, her mind racing.__

__And there was Zoe, surrounded by papers and books, bent over and rubbing her foot, muttering curses under her breath as she frowned._ _

__“Zoe?” Alana ventured, and the girl looked up, staring straight at Alana._ _

__“Oh,” she said, looking like a deer in headlights, before coughing a little, and straightening out. “Hey. Guess who drew a short straw and doesn’t get to go for ice cream with the rest of the band?”_ _

__Alana blinked. “I… heard a scream?”_ _

__“Dropped a box on my foot,” Zoe explained, wrinkling her nose as she gestured towards the upturned box. “I would blame the person who had to clean up last semester and overfilled it, but that was me as well, so I really can’t.”_ _

__“Oh,” Alana said. “Oh.” And then, “Why are you here alone?”_ _

__Zoe shrugged, bending down to collect the papers back up. “Like I said, I got the short straw. There’s no meeting next week, so cleaning up is this week - the jazz band specific stuff, at least - and there’s not enough stuff to justify two people staying so it’s just me.”_ _

__“Do you want any help?” The offer slipped from Alana’s lips without thinking, but then Zoe looked back up at her and was smiling and _oh._ _ _

__Her heart was fluttering in her chest._ _

__“Alana, you’re an angel,” she said. “God, I could kiss you right now. It’s just moving the boxes with ‘Jazz Band’ to the cupboard. Think you can do that while I pick these up?”_ _

__Fuck._ _

__Her heart wasn’t fluttering anymore. It was pounding in her chest, her throat dry and breaths short, and all she could do for a moment was just stand there, stunned, staring at Zoe. Then she shook her head, and walked into the bandroom and towards the pile of boxes at the side of the room._ _

__She didn’t mean it, Alana told herself, picking up one of the surprisingly heavy boxes. It was just - something that slipped out due to her relief. That was all._ _

__They had been working together in silence for a few minutes when Alana remember that she didn’t know if Connor had allergies or not, and Zoe was Connor’s sister, and she would know that, which would mean she wouldn’t accidentally kill him by giving him something that he was allergic to.”_ _

__“Is,” she began, slotting another box into place in the cupboard, then stopped and cleared her throat. “Is Connor allergic to anything?”_ _

__“Connor?” Zoe repeated, and Alana nodded. “Shellfish, actually. Prawns and crabs, that sort of stuff. Why do you wanna know?”_ _

__“I got him for the LGBTQ+ secret present exchange,” she explained, turning back to Zoe. “And the theme is baked goods or pride, and since I don’t exactly know Connor’s identity, I thought I might as well just bake him something.”_ _

__“Yeah, don’t worry, unless you make a shrimp cake or something, he won’t react to anything,” Zoe said, handing Alana what the final box. “And I think he’s gay and ace? I dunno, I wasn’t exactly there when he yelled it at Dad. One day, nothing, next day, he’s bringing home Evan and making me promise not to tell Mom or Dad they’re dating because he wanted to break the news himself.”_ _

__So Evan and Connor were a couple. It was nice to have confirmation of that, at least._ _

__“What were you thinking of baking him, then?” Zoe asked as Alana placed the last box down. “‘Cause I hate to break it to you, but Connor’s not a cake guy. I mean, he’d be happy that you made him something, but I don’t think it’d be the best for him.”_ _

__Alana nodded along, following Zoe as she left the band room and following her down the corridor, though she wasn’t sure why._ _

__“What do you suggest instead then?” she asked. “Cookies?”_ _

__“Cookies are good,” Zoe said, nodding along as she dug around in her pockets as she walked. “I approve of cookies.” She paused for a moment, as if considering something. “Hey, do you want a lift to your house? Connor’s going to Evan’s today, so it’ll just be me.”_ _

__Alana’s house was a ten minute walk away. Most of the time, if she didn’t have anywhere else to be, she would walk home, taking it as a ten minute break from - from busyness, she supposed._ _

__But it was December. It was cold. And as selfish as it felt, it was more time with Zoe._ _

__“If you don’t mind,” she murmured, still trailing after Zoe as they left the school and walked to the nearly-empty student car park. “I don’t live far - 74 Oak Lane. It should only be a few minutes.”_ _

__Zoe nodded, stopping in front of a silver car close to the school, finally fishing out her keys from her pocket and pressing the unlock button on her key fob. The car in front of them flashed twice, and Zoe opened her car door. “I think I know where that is. I think. Hey, hop in.”_ _

__“Just drive along Elm Street until you reach Maple, then it’s a left turn halfway up there,” Alana explained, heading to the passenger’s side of the car, opening the door, and sliding in. A moment later, Zoe joined her._ _

__The inside of Zoe’s car was slightly cluttered, with chocolate wrappers and the odd fast food drive-thru bag on the floor, a McDonald’s coffee cup still in the cupholder. A yankee candle air freshener hung from the mirror, though it was one of those weird ones that didn’t actually smell of anything that was recognisable to anyone._ _

__It wasn’t at all what Alana expected._ _

__She sort of loved it._ _

__“Along Elm, then right halfway across Maple, right?” Zoe asked as she started her car, the sound of soft piano coming from her car radio._ _

__“Correct,” Alana confirmed, and then the two of them fell into silence, but it wasn’t a bad silence. It was a comfortable silence, Zoe humming along to the song playing, and there was a warm, _nice_ feeling bubbling up in Alana. _ _

__For a moment, Alana supposed that was what it felt like to have a friend._ _

__Then the feeling faded._ _

__“Hey, how come you weren’t at LGBTQ+ club?” Zoe asked as she turned onto Elm. “I mean, the help was appreciated, but I thought you’d be there.”_ _

__“Oh,” Alana said, swallowing. The truth was - a little pathetic, in all honesty, but lies were never her strong suit. “I - I just wasn’t needed, I suppose.”_ _

__There was a pause._ _

__“You run the club,” Zoe said at last. “How are you not needed?”_ _

__“It’s - it’s more of an administrative role than anything,” Alan said, smoothing out the hem of dress, eyes down. “They seemed fine. And besides, you needed help. What if you dropped a box on your other foot?”_ _

__Zoe frowned, but said nothing for the rest of the drive, not until they had pulled in front of Alana’s house. For a moment, she was still, hands still on the steering wheel as Alana undid her seat, and then she spoke._ _

__“I think you’re needed,” she said, quietly, as if she wasn’t sure if she should say it or not. “Even if you don’t.”_ _

__Alana’s throat went dry._ _

__“...Thank you,” she ended up saying, though it didn’t seem enough. “Thank you, Zoe.”_ _

__“No problem,” Zoe replied with a sigh, and then Alana got out of the car, closed the door._ _

__She watched as Zoe drove away, and for a moment, wanted to wave goodbye. But she didn’t._ _

__Alana didn’t do a lot that night, apart from lying face down on her bed, screaming internally into her pillows the entire time. She would have screamed externally too, but she didn’t want to concern her parents._ _

__Lunch the next day didn’t come soon enough. Alana waited outside her Psychology classroom for Zoe once again, refreshing her Instagram feed when a photo appeared that made her blink._ _

__It was a selfie of Zoe, posted last night but clearly taken in summer, sun shining on her face, and she was smiling, smiling like she wanted to smile, grinning from ear to ear, like she was simply happy in that moment, and nothing else._ _

___Oh_ , Alana thought, heart thudding in her chest again. _She’s really pretty_._ _

__She liked it, but it felt like it wasn’t enough. So, with a deep breath, she commented with a string of heart-eye emojis - three, maybe a bit too much, maybe not enough - and closed the app and put her phone on ‘do not disturb’. Maybe it was overreacting a little. A tad. A tiny bit. A -_ _

__“Hey.” Zoe’s soft voice came, and when Alana looked up. “Library again?”_ _

__“Of course,” Alana said, and she couldn’t help but smile back at her._ _

__Soon enough, they were settled in the same alcove as before, pressed against each other once again. It didn’t feel as strange as it did the first time they had sat together. Zoe had her notebook out this time, and Alana noticed that she had doodled small stars or flowers on almost every page, even the ones that were blank._ _

__It was - Zoe-esque, for lack of a better word._ _

__“So, first meeting,” she said, writing the words down at the top of her page and drawing a cloud around it. “What should we do?”_ _

__“Go around the room asking for names, pronouns, and if they’re comfortable with divulging it, orientation,” Alana suggested, drawing her knees up to her chest and hugging them close. “It’s what we normally do for our first meeting. It helps people settle in and introduce themselves easily, as well as rooting out the people who are going to be a problem.”_ _

__Zoe nodded, writing down what Alana said. “What do you mean by that last bit?”_ _

__“Transphobic people, mostly,” Alana told her. “We - We want people to feel like they belong, and if someone’s not going to respect that, we make sure they know we won’t have them back. Mostly by letting Jared rant at them, because he gets very upset by it - I think someone in his family is transgender, but I’m not too sure.”_ _

__“Huh. Didn’t expect that,” Zoe said, before pausing. “We should probably think of some icebreakers. And ice re-breakers, if it comes to that.”_ _

__Lunch passed by quickly as they discussed and shot down various icebreaker ideas, most of which came from Alana’s experiences with helping out the with younger Girl Scouts, and most of which involved teams and large spaces, and thus were deemed impractical for an English classroom._ _

__“How about we do something involving pride flags?” Alana asked. “Just something simple, like what each one is, the history of each one, and so on.”_ _

__“That’s a good idea,” Zoe said, scribbling it down. “So like, the rainbow one, we need that one. The trans pride one as well, and the bi one. Maybe some of the gender identities and the asexual one as well?”_ _

__She kept writing them down as she said them. Her handwriting was curly, more than anything, short and cute and very Zoe._ _

__“Don’t forget the lesbian flag,” Alana told her. “People always forget it.”_ _

__Zoe’s pen stilled. “Huh. I didn’t even realise there was a lesbian flag,” she admitted, tucking a strand of loose hair behind her ear, and then she turned, and smiled at Alana. “You’re a really great ally, you know?”_ _

__Alana’s heart thumped in her chest, and she thought, for a moment, that she wouldn’t ever get used to Zoe smiling at her like that, she was someone who meant something to her, like she was a friend and not just an acquaintance -_ _

__Wait._ _

___What?_ _ _

__“...ally,” Alana repeated, in the flattest tone she could manage. “I’m… a really great… ally.”_ _

__“Yeah, I mean, you run the LGBTQ+ club,” Zoe continued, still smiling. “And from what I’ve been told, you’re the entire reason why we even have a club in the first place, and you know all the flags and stuff, even ones I didn’t know about, like, and I’m sure your grandmother would be very proud -”_ _

__“Zoe,” she interrupted, as softly as she could, taking Zoe’s hand into hers, and gazing directly into her eyes. “Zoe, honey. Sweetie. I’m a lesbian.”_ _

__“Ack -”_ _

__Zoe made a sound like a duck choking on peanut butter was caught in her throat, and her cheeks had flushed bright red. Then she started coughing, almost hacking up her lungs, jerking her hand away from Alana, head turning away._ _

__“Are you okay?!” Alana asked, the Heimlich manoeuvre running through her mind. Arms around waist, make one hand into a fist -_ _

__“Just -” Zoe paused, and swallowed, and nodded, even though her cheeks were still red and breaths shuddering. “Just peachy. I’m - Yes. I’m fine.”_ _

__“Take deep breaths,” Alana told her, opting to rub Zoe’s back in what she hoped was a soothing manner rather than the Heimlich. “In for three, out for three.”_ _

__Zoe just nodded, and did as she was told, until the bell rang for the end of lunch. Alana helped Zoe to her feet, gathering her things into her bag, and handing her it. Then they just stood there, staring at each other, Zoe’s cheeks still red._ _

__Well. Better to die bungee-jumping than to have never stepped off the cliff._ _

__“Do… do you want to come over to my house on Sunday?” Alana asked her, heart pounding. “To help bake cookies. For Connor.”_ _

__Zoe just nodded quickly, as if her thoughts were going miles every minute. They were probably in Canada at this rate._ _

__“Yes. Cookies. For Connor. Your house. Sunday. Yes. I’ll be there,” she said, still sounding as if something was caught in her throat. Alana frowned, reaching for Zoe’s cheek, and cupping it. It was warm, and if possible, grew even warmer under her touch._ _

__“Are you okay - ” she began to ask, but Zoe took off with only a garbled ‘bye’ tossed over her shoulder._ _

__Most of her afternoon was spent worrying about Zoe, to the point where she was zoned out for much of the time, and had to be called on more than once to answer a question._ _

__Later that night, just before she stepped into the shower, Alana received a message._ _

__From Connor Murphy._ _

___ConnorMurphy_99_ : why rhe fuck is my sister screaminh into her oillow  
_ConnorMurphy_99_ : alena this has soemthing to do wih yuo i know_ _

__She blinked at her phone._ _

___AlanaBeeBeck_ : I don’t see how it does? I just told her I’m a lesbian at lunchtime, and she acted a little weird afterwards. That’s all._ _

__A minute ticked by without a reply. Then another, before her phone buzzed again._ _

___ConnorMurphy_99_ : ..,.,.  
_ConnorMurphy_99_ : Holy fu c k_ _

___AlanaBeeBeck_ : Connor?_ _

__He didn’t reply at all. Didn’t even leave her on ‘seen’, like she was used to._ _

__By the time her shower had finished, however, Zoe had replied to her three heart-eye emojis comment with three blowing kisses emojis, and Alana spent most of the night thinking about it._ _

__She wished, just for a moment, that she had a friend she could send it to and ask what it meant. But really, her only friend was Zoe._ _

__Saturday passed by in a mix of volunteering and messages from Zoe. They’re weren’t anything spectacular - just a confirmation that she was still coming over on Sunday at 1PM, recipe suggestions and asking for pictures of Cloud and Snowdrift - but still._ _

__They were nice._ _

__Most of Sunday was spent rushing around by Alana. Rushing to the grocery shop to buy cookie and brownie mix as well as everything else they needed, rushing around her house, tidying every room, even the ones Zoe had no reason to see, like her parents’ bedroom._ _

__Her parents, fortunately, were going to be out most of the day. So that was something she didn’t have to worry about._ _

__At one o’clock exactly, there was a knock at the door, and Alana jumped to answer it. Zoe stood behind it, smiling like she wasn’t sure if she was welcome or not as snow drifted around her._ _

__“Zoe!” Alana greeted, pulling her into a hug, if only because that’s how her mother greeted guests. She held on for a moment, two, before letting go, already missing the warmth as she smiled at Zoe. “Come in, please, you must be freezing. Take off your shoes as well, if you_ _

__“Hey, Alana,” she said, stepping inside and shutting the door behind her. She paused to take off her shoes, revealing fox-patterned socks. “So what are we going to bake then?”_ _

__“I couldn’t decide between cookies or brownies, so I got the mix for both,” Alana said. “I was hoping you could help me decide.”_ _

__“Oh, that’s simple,” Zoe said, hanging up her coat next to Alana’s. “We make brownie-stuffed cookies.”_ _

__Alana blinked. “Brownie-stuffed cookies?”_ _

__“Brownies-stuffed cookies,” Zoe repeated. “Also known as the most decadent baked good to ever roam this earth. The only way Connor would love it more is if we put weed in it, but you know. Not a habit of his I want to indulge.”_ _

__All Alana could do was nod along, mild concern rising up inside her._ _

__“Everything’s in the kitchen,” she said, “so if you wanted to get started, we can.”_ _

__Zoe just beamed at her. “Lead the way,” she said._ _

__Alana’s kitchen, from what she could tell, was actually quite small for a kitchen. There weren’t any marble countertops or an island or a breakfast bar, nothing for people to perch on as things were being made. Self-consciousness washed over her, like it hadn’t done for a while, and she began to fidget, her gaze cast down at the floor._ _

__It was no secret that the Murphy family was rich. Maybe Zoe was judging every little thing in her house._ _

__Or maybe Alana was just overthinking everything, like she always did._ _

__“So, brownie-stuffed cookies,” Zoe began, picking up the brownie mix box, leaning on the counter as if it was hers. “We start by making the brownies, let them bake until they’re fudgy, then we make the cookies. Pretty easy, right?”_ _

__“Right.”_ _

__Wrong._ _

__Alana could cook easily enough. But baking was a skill that eluded her, and one her mother and grandma gave up on teaching her after the twentieth plate of cookies that were harder than rocks and the twelfth loaf of bread that refused to rise, hence the use of packet mix and Zoe._ _

__For a moment, Alana wondered if she should have told Zoe that._ _

__“Where’s your mixer?” Zoe asked, jolting Alana back to reality. It occurred to her that she had just been staring at Zoe vacantly, so she busied herself by fetching it, heading over to countertop herself._ _

__The kitchen seemed even smaller as she stood by Zoe. Like they were sat in the alcove in the library again._ _

__“We only have a hand mixer,” she said, pulling it out of the drawer where they kept it. She rested it on the counter, and hesitated for a moment. “Um, Zoe?”_ _

__Zoe hummed in reply._ _

__“I… I can’t really bake,” she admitted, keeping her eyes low. “So, uh, yeah, I - I kind of need some help with all of this -”_ _

__The sound of Zoe’s laughter stopped her stumbling speech in her tracks._ _

___Shit,_ Alana thought. _Even her laugh is pretty.__ _

__She wondered what Zoe would sound like singing. Pretty, no doubt._ _

__“I kinda figured you needed help when you asked me over,” Zoe said, smiling, still giggling a little. “Don’t worry. I know what I’m doing. Me and my mom used to bake together all the time when I was a kid. Now, did you preheat the oven?”_ _

__Alana’s head whipped up, and she just stared at Zoe. “You’re meant to preheat the oven?”_ _

__“...oh, God.”_ _

__Despite what Alana would claim as a minor setback and Zoe would claim as a major setback, baking the brownie-stuffed cookies didn’t go as badly as it could have done. Sure, Zoe’s faith in Alana had dropped to the point where she was only allowed to grease the pans and set the timers, but those were things she could do, at least._ _

__Besides. It meant she could spend most of the time watching Zoe, which she did, because Zoe was really pretty, and actually made baking look easy, and she looked sort of cute in Alana’s dad’s ‘kiss the cook’ apron, so she deserved to be watched._ _

__It helped that her kitchen was small enough that they kept brushing against each other. Zoe didn’t complain, and Alana liked the feeling of it all, so she kept quiet too._ _

__Within two hours, the brownie-stuffed cookies were cooling on the rack. Their smell, warm and familiar yet strange, wafted throughout the kitchen, delicious and seductive and tempting all at once._ _

__She hadn’t eaten lunch, Alana realised just as her stomach growled, loud enough that she was sure Zoe heard it as well._ _

__“We should have one,” Alana suggested, trying hard not to drool. “To see if they taste nice. For science.”_ _

__“Yes,” Zoe agreed, picking up one of the cookies and handing it to Alana. “For science.”_ _

__Biting into the cookie was like biting into bliss._ _

__“Oh my god,” Alana groaned. “This is the best thing I’ve ever eaten.”_ _

__“They’re pretty good,” Zoe agreed, picking up her own cookie. “I mean, it sucks that Connor won’t have them fresh, but they’ll still be good on Wednesday if you chill them and keep them secure.”_ _

__“I will,” Alana said, finishing her cookie off in two more bites. “Can you just like. Come live with me and make these all the time?”_ _

__There was no reply, so she turned to face Zoe, frowning as she did. She was staring at her, an odd look on her face, almost dazed._ _

__“Zoe?” she asked._ _

__“Oh!” Zoe shook her head, blinking at Alana, like she had just come back to reality. She put her cookie down on the counter, her gaze set steadily on Alana. “You have crumbs - here, let me -”_ _

__Zoe cupped Alana’s cheek, stepping closer to her, almost pressing her against the counter, their bodies close, practically touching one another._ _

__Alana went still._ _

__She was aware of how close Zoe was. She was aware of the warmth of Zoe’s body against hers. She could feel the beat of Zoe’s heart, quick, like hummingbird wings, perhaps._ _

__All Alana could hear was the thrum of her own heart._ _

__She leaned in a little closer, closing her eyes, because wasn’t that what you were meant to do? Zoe was leaning in too, she could feel it, feel her warmth approaching, her forehead pressing against Alana’s, her hand still cupping Alana’s cheek and -_ _

__“Alana! I’m home!”_ _

__Zoe and Alana fell apart, faces burning as they jumped away from each other, just as Alana’s mother strolled in, shopping bags in hand, only to stop at the sight of them._ _

__“Am I interrupting something?” she asked, tilting her head to the side. “Sorry. I’ll just leave these here.” She lifted up the bags, placing them on the kitchen counter._ _

__“No, Mom, it’s uh - it’s fine,” Alana said, shaking her head. “This is Zoe. She’s - she’s my friend.”_ _

__She didn’t miss the way her mom’s eye lit up at the word ‘friend’, and she wondered, for a moment, how pathetic it was that her _mom_ got excited over her having someone who wasn’t just an acquaintance._ _

__“It’s very nice to meet you, Mrs Beck,” Zoe said, smiling like her cheeks weren’t the colour of strawberries._ _

__A cat-like smile spread over Alana’s mother’s face, and an uneasy feeling churned in Alana’s stomach._ _

__“It’s nice to meet you,” her mother said, smiling at Zoe. “Are you going to stay for dinner? I’m sure her father would be glad to meet you.”_ _

__He wouldn’t. He’d be polite to Zoe, but he would rather talk about Alana’s college applications than to her friend._ _

__“I can’t, I’m afraid,” Zoe said, the colour finally fading from her cheeks as she glanced at the clock. “I promised my mom I’d help with dinner, and I live on the other side of town, so I need to be heading home soon.”_ _

__Alana couldn’t help frown a little. Then she stopped before her mom could catch it, and bit the inside of her lip instead._ _

__“That’s a shame,” her mother said, sighing. “I’ll leave you two girls to clean up then.” But she didn’t leave, and instead hovered in the doorway, shopping bags still in hand. “Oh! Before I forget, we have a Christmas party next Friday. I’m sure Alana would love it if you could come over for it.”_ _

__“ _Mom_ ,” Alana groaned, hiding her face in her hands. She didn’t need her mom arranging playdates for her. Not like this._ _

__“I’d be happy to, Mrs Beck,” Zoe said, still smiling, and it was only then that Alana’s mom left them._ _

__They stood in silence for a moment._ _

__“...do you really have to leave?” Alana ended up asking, just for something to say, and Zoe nodded._ _

__“Yeah,” she sighed. “More for Connor than anything. He’ll be home soon, and my mom doesn’t like him to be in the house by himself, especially because he gets kinda… worse in winter, I suppose.”_ _

__“I get you,” Alana said, even though, really, she didn’t. There was the temptation at the tip of her tongue to ask after him, to see if he was okay, but it wasn’t her place. “Let’s clean up then.”_ _

__Cleaning up was relatively easy, mostly just wiping down the countertops and putting the bowls in the sink to soak for a while. They put the brownie-stuffed cookies in the fridge to keep, and then there was nothing else keeping Zoe there._ _

__She didn’t meet Cloud and Snowdrift, Alana realised as she watched Zoe pull on her shoes and her coat, ready to leave._ _

__Maybe next time._ _

__The snow had stopped falling, and was now settled on the ground as Zoe stepped outside. She paused for only a moment, then turned, looking as if an idea had only just occurred to her._ _

__“Are you out to your parents?” Zoe asked, blinking up at Alana, but still looking like a headlights-struck deer. “I just - with your mom -”_ _

__“I am,” she assured Zoe. “I am. I came out when I was twelve.” She hesitated for a moment. “You? Are you out?”_ _

__Zoe just shrugged, biting her lip. “Connor’s pretty aware of the fact I like girls as well as boys but… I dunno about my parents. They’re pretty good at ignoring what they don’t want to see, and I’ve not done the whole sitting-down ‘I’m bisexual’ talk with them, but it’s not like I’m subtle about it…” She trailed off, and shrugged again, looking more helpless than Alana had ever seen her._ _

__It hurt. It hurt more than she thought it would._ _

__“It’s overrated,” Alana ended up telling her, because she couldn’t think of anything else. “The sit-down version of coming out. I came out on the way back from Girl Scout camp because I was upset about my crush. Just do what you feel most comfortable with. Jared Kleinman came out via pun.”_ _

__Zoe just blinked at her, and then smiled her, small and soft, not like her usual smile at all._ _

__“That… honestly doesn’t surprise me,” she said, chuckling a little. “Thank you, Alana.” She paused, as if she didn’t want to leave. “Do you want me to come to your parent’s party or not?”_ _

__It was Alana’s turn to shrug. “If you want to. It’s mostly just their friends standing around and talking about themselves. It’s - it’s not the most exciting thing in the world.”_ _

__“Sounds exactly like my parents’ Christmas parties,” Zoe sighed, but she was still smiling. “I’ll come. See you at school.”_ _

__“See you at school,” Alana echoed, and they hugged again, Alana pulling Zoe in just a little bit tighter than what was reasonably platonic, before letting her go, and telling her to stay safe whilst driving._ _

__As she watched Zoe’s car disappear into the distance, it hit her._ _

__They had almost kissed._ _

__They had almost kissed in Alana’s kitchen._ _

__Zoe Murphy had almost kissed Alana Beck and had no objections to it._ _

___Oh, fuck me._ _ _

__The thought wouldn’t leave her alone during the last week of school. Even though most of the lessons were easy work or watching films, her concentration kept slipping, going back to the memory of Zoe pressed against her, standing close, their lips almost touching._ _

__She had smelt nice. Floral and comforting. Alana wondered what perfume she used._ _

__They messaged each other on and off throughout the week. Zoe didn’t bring up the almost kiss, so neither did Alana._ _

__On Wednesday, she stayed for the entire LGBTQ+ meeting which was - nice, really. They played generic holiday tunes and most just mingled as they exchanged the secrets presents. Evan’s version of ‘treat yo self’ seemed to be purchasing aloe vera plants, which, well, seemed very him, at least._ _

__Her secret present giver was a freshman girl with teal hair who gave Alana some butterfly cupcakes and a card with a robin wearing a gay pride scarf. On the inside, she had written a message, thanking Alana for setting up the LGBTQ+ club in the first place._ _

__Thanking the girl didn’t feel like enough, but it was all Alana could do._ _

__Connor, it seemed, was the one who drew the ‘everyone’ slip, and his solution was to bring in multiple packs of doughnuts, all covered in rainbow sprinkles, dump them onto the front desk, and stand by them, watching Jared and Evan talk at the back of the classroom._ _

__“Merry Christmas, Connor!” she said, holding out the gift box full of brownie-stuffed cookies in front of her. “I hope you enjoy these!”_ _

__He just stared at her, unblinkingly. “You do know a secret present is meant to stay secret, right?” he asked, as if he hadn’t put the doughnuts down in plain sight of everyone, but he still took the box from her, putting it down on the desk beside him._ _

__“By the way, I need to talk to you about Zoe,” Connor murmured, lifting the lid off the box, setting it aside and taking out a cookie. “Oh, nice.”_ _

__Alana gulped. “What about Zoe?” she asked, but Connor didn’t reply as he bit into the cookie. He paused for a moment, only to groan and turn back to her._ _

__“Oh my god, what are these?” Connor asked, biting into the cookie again as he did. “They are like. So fucking good.”_ _

__“Brownie-stuffed cookies,” Alana told him. “Zoe helped me to make them.”_ _

__Connor paused for only a moment, before booking it across the classroom, cookie-filled gift box in hand, to where Jared was. Alana was sure she heard Connor say something about ‘pot brownie-stuffed cookies’ to him, and wondered if she should tell Zoe or the school counsellor about it._ _

__Best not, she decided._ _

__School finished on Thursday, and Alana couldn’t have been more grateful for it. Connor didn’t approach her or even message her about whatever he wanted to say about Zoe._ _

__Then Friday came._ _

__Alana had never liked her family’s Christmas party. Even when she was little, and could get away with clutching and hiding behind her grandma’s dress, she wished that she could be up in her room, reading, rather than stay in a room full of strangers._ _

__It was worse now she was expected to help out._ _

__It was worse now her dad kept wanting to talk about her unsent and unwritten college applications._ _

__It was worse now she was older._ _

__Most of the day alternating between tidying again and helping her mom with setting out the snacks, hiding away anything breakable, trying to hide her dad and his talks of colleges and trying harder and she could do well, really well, if she just kept _trying_._ _

__Avoiding her dad didn’t help to curb her growing anxiety. Focusing on hanging up tinsel didn’t help to reassure her. Trying to remember what she was forgetting only made them grow._ _

__Nothing seemed to help calm her._ _

__Alana had realised long ago that some days you wake up worse than others. It was easier, for her at least, when those days were school days, and she could throw herself into the easy distraction that was school work, and ignore her feelings._ _

__She couldn’t do that when it was the holidays._ _

__Zoe messaged her at lunch, just to check the starting time and the dress code - six o’clock, nothing too dressy but nothing too casual - but was otherwise silent._ _

__Which was - okay. She had a life outside of Alana._ _

__People started drifting in at six o’clock, just as Alana was setting down the final plate of snacks for the guests. She could hear them as her mom and dad greeted them, welcoming them in, so she hit ‘play’ on the speakers like she was meant to do, then trailed her way over to the front door as ‘Last Christmas’ began to_ _

__Zoe wasn’t among the arriving guests. Which was. Fine. Just fine._ _

__It was easy enough to fall into her routine talking to her parent’s friends as they trickled in as couples and small groups. Smile. Nod. Talk about her internships and her volunteering and studies. Smile and nod some more. Ask just enough questions to seem interested, then vanish back into the crowd._ _

__Pretended that she was okay. Pretended that it was normal that her grandma wasn’t there._ _

__Pretended that she was full of Christmas cheer and that she wanted to be there._ _

__It wasn’t as if anyone there knew her. They weren’t even acquaintances to her. Just her parents’ friends who knew her since she was a toddler, and knew nothing about her at all._ _

___Christmas parties_ , she thought, checking her phone as she sat on the stairs and seeing it already quarter to seven, _are the worst part of Christmas_._ _

__“Alana!” her mother called, slipping through the crowd towards her daughter, smiling, stopping in front of her. “Are you feeling okay?”_ _

__“Just fine,” she replied, slipping her phone into her pocket._ _

__“Oh, good,” her mother said, nodding. “Go around with the plate of gingerbread, would you?”_ _

__

__She nodded, because it wasn’t like she had anything better to, and got up and headed to the kitchen, tugging her jumper close around her body as she did, smiling like she was supposed to at the people she passed, only to stop at the sound of a knock at the door._ _

__Neither of her parents seemed to have heard it, so she answered it, only to be greeted by a gust of cold air and Zoe, smiling somewhat awkwardly, wrapped up in layers of clothing, clutching a silver gift bag in her hands._ _

__Alana just stared at her a moment, then her face broke out into a smile._ _

__“Zoe!” she gasped, throwing her arms around the girl, pulling her in for a hug and pulling her inside. “You’re here!”_ _

__“Sorry I’m late!” Zoe half-gasped, pulling Alana closer to her. “Connor blew up at my dad, so I ended up taking him to Evan’s place, which took longer than I thought, then I left your present at my house, so I had to go back for it, and it just -”_ _

__“It’s fine, it’s fine,” Alana assured her, letting her go if only because she had to shut the door. “I was just about to go around with gingerbread, if you want to mingle…”_ _

__Zoe shook her head. “I’d rather be with you,” she admitted, her hands finding Alana’s. “Let me just put my coat away, and I’ll meet you there, yeah?”_ _

__Alana just nodded, smiling, just a little, and left for the kitchen. The bad feeling in her stomach had eased, just a little bit. It wasn’t gone, not at all, but it had eased, and Zoe was there, and that made things a little better, even if still felt like she was outlined with anxiety._ _

__She slipped into the kitchen, managing to dodge around people and polite conversations. Various plates of food were crammed onto the counter, savoury on one side, sweets on the other. It didn’t take long for Alana to locate the plate she was looking for, and -_ _

__She hadn’t decorated the gingerbread._ _

__They were laid out before her, cut into snowflake shapes, artfully arranged on the plate. No icing in sight._ _

__“Oh,” she whispered, then swallowed. “Oh.”_ _

__And she started to cry._ _

__It was always her job, decorating the gingerbread, because she was good at it. And - and she hadn’t. She hadn’t even thought about decorating them. Not once. And it was such - such a stupid thing to cry about, not decorating the gingerbread, and she knew that, knew that _she_ was being stupid, but she couldn’t help, it wasn’t even about the fucking gingerbread -_ _

__“Alana?”_ _

__No._ _

__No no no no no no no -_ _

__Zoe couldn’t see her like this, not as messy as she was right then, not when she sobbing, not when she was crying._ _

__“I’m - I’m -” she tried, shuddering as she did, not looking at Zoe, not looking at anything, really._ _

__“Hey, hey, no, let’s get you outside,” Zoe murmured, and then an arm was being wrapped around Alana’s waist, and she felt herself being guided through her house, then she heard the sound of her back door opening._ _

__Cold air hit her like a wave, and she gasped, shaking her head, like she had just breached the surface of water. Zoe’s arm left Alana’s waist, but then her hands found Alana’s, clasped them tightly, and then she was being tugged down, until both of them were sat on the patio decking._ _

__Zoe let go of Alana’s hands, then her arms were around Alana, hugging her, holding her close, even though Alana was still shaking, still shivering._ _

__“It’s okay,” she murmured. “It’s okay, you hear me?”_ _

__Alana buried her face in Zoe’s shoulder, biting her lip to hold back her sobs. Zoe was wearing a jumper that was soft, and warm, and baby pink with reindeer and hearts on, and almost certainly being ruined by Alana’s tears and it couldn’t be comfortable for Zoe, because it certainly wasn’t for Alana, her glasses frames pressing against her face oddly._ _

__“I’m - I’m sorry,” she sobbed, though she wasn’t sure, exactly, what for. “I - I just -”_ _

__“It’s okay,” Zoe repeated, pulling her closer. “Just let it out.”_ _

__So she did, just crying on Zoe’s shoulder for who knows how long, clutching onto her like she couldn’t bear to let go, crying until she felt sick, and tired, and the cold was starting to bite her, so she pulled away._ _

__Zoe was smiling at her, softly, but there was something closer to sadness in her eyes. She reached into her pocket and brought out a tissue, holding it out to Alana._ _

__“Here,” she said. “To dry your eyes.”_ _

__“Sorry,” Alana repeated, taking the tissue from Zoe and wiping her eyes with it. “Sorry.”_ _

__“It’s fine,” Zoe said, still smiling, still holding out her hand. “Let me clean your glasses for you.”_ _

__Alana nodded, taking them off and passing them to Zoe as everything lost its edge to blurriness. She couldn’t even see Zoe’s face._ _

__“Geez, these are thick,” Zoe muttered, head down as she wiped them on her jumper, like she had been cleaning glasses all her life. Then she paused, for a moment. “I like how you decorated even the outside. I know you haven’t put any big decorations out, but - even just the strands of Christmas lights. They’re pretty.”_ _

__Alana blinked, craning her head to look up at the Christmas lights above her, the tissue clutched in her hands. They looked like golden orbs of light, soft and secure against the dark night._ _

__“Oh,” she murmured. “You’re right. They are pretty.”_ _

__Zoe handed Alana her glasses back, but Alana made no move to put them back on. She kept staring at the lights above her, fiddling with the glasses frames in her hands, counting the beat of her heart._ _

__“When I was little,” she murmured, “I didn’t wear glasses, but my eyesight was still bad. And fairy lights and street lamps and cities in the distance were the prettiest things to me, because they were like stars, but closer. Then in third grade, I got glasses, and then they weren’t so pretty, because I could see the bulbs. I’m - ” She paused, and shuddered, if only for a moment. “I’m finding that life’s a lot like that.”_ _

__Zoe didn’t say anything, but she hugged Alana again, holding on for a moment, two, before letting go and smiling at her again. Alana couldn’t blame her for not saying anything, because there wasn’t really anything she could say._ _

__They sat in silence for a moment more. Zoe’s hands found Alana’s again, and held onto them, like there was nothing else they wanted to hold._ _

__Snow started to drift down, and Alana could feel Zoe’s hands shaking in her own._ _

__“...you haven’t met Cloud and Snowdrift,” she said, because she could think of nothing else to say. “Let’s get back inside before you freeze.”_ _

__She didn’t let go of Zoe’s hand as they both stood up. She didn’t let go as she led Zoe back through the party, clutching it tight because she _liked_ how their hands felt together. She only let go once they entered her bedroom._ _

__“Just sit on my bed,” she told Zoe, stopping at her guinea pigs’ cage. Cloud was already out, her nose twitching as she squeaked for more hay, and Snowdrift was at the back, hiding in her fleece cave, just watching, so Alana left her in favour of taking out Cloud._ _

__“Here,” she said, holding Cloud close to her chest as stood up, turning to face Zoe, who was sitting cross-legged on her bed. “Snowdrift’s shy, so she won’t come out, but Cloud’s friendly enough.”_ _

__Zoe nodded, her gaze focused on Cloud as Alana sat down beside her on the bed, placing Cloud down between them._ _

__“I love her already,” she murmured, reached out to stroke the guinea pig. She gasped as her fingers touched Cloud’s curls. “Oh my god, she’s so soft. Oh my god, she’s adorable. I love her. I’m - I’m taking her home with me.”_ _

__Cloud, for what it was worth, preened under Zoe’s touch, pushing up into it._ _

__“Snowdrift will get lonely if you do,” Alana told her, watching Zoe fawn over the guinea pig. “They’re meant to stay in pairs.”_ _

__“I’ll settle for being Cloud’s weekend mom then,” Zoe decided. “Or the cool auntie.”_ _

__“So long as they stay together,” Alana murmured. “They’re not even a year old yet, you know. My grandma gave me them for my birthday.”_ _

__Zoe just nodded, then she looked up at Alana, and stopped, as if something just occurred to her or she just remembered something. She just kept staring at Alana, her mouth slightly agape and her eyes wide._ _

__“Is everything okay?” Alana asked, and Zoe just nodded, closing her mouth. Then she closed her eyes, and took a deep breath, before opening them again and gazing directly at Alana, and then her hands were on Alana’s again._ _

__“Alana,” she began. “I really like you.”_ _

__Her heart stopped._ _

__There was no way Zoe meant that in the way Alana was hoping she did. It just - It just wasn’t possible._ _

__“Oh,” Alana replied, blinking, unsure of what was going on, really. “I like you -”_ _

__“I mean I like you in the sense that I want to _date_ you,” Zoe interrupted, blinking rapidly as she did, her . “I want us to be girlfriends, and go on dates, and do all of that romantic stuff. I just - you’re so pretty and nice and clever - you just. You do things to me, Alana, and I just. I want to date you and kiss you. A lot.”_ _

__Oh._ _

__… _Oh!__ _

__Alana just stared at Zoe, her heart pounding, and then, before Zoe could say anything, before Alana could think any more, she kissed Zoe._ _

__Just like that._ _

__It was soft, and sweet, and everything she hoped kissing Zoe would be like, and a little bit more._ _

__She wasn’t sure how long they had kissed for before they had to break away, but it was long enough that Cloud had started to explore her bedding. Alana paid her no mind, instead choosing to gaze at Zoe, smiling._ _

__“I would also like to date you, and kiss you,” she murmured, her heart like a hummingbird in her chest. “Possibly more than you do. So I’ll gladly be your girlfriend and go on dates with you, and all of that romantic stuff.”_ _

__Zoe stared back for a moment, before her face broke into a smile, and then she was kissing Alana again, pulling her closer to her, her arms around Alana’s waist again, like they were meant to be there._ _

__“Stay the night?” Alana asked her when they pulled away again, before baulking a little. “I - If you can, I mean - ”_ _

__She was interrupted by Zoe laughing, who was still smiling, and her heart kept pounding in her chest._ _

__“I… already asked my mom if I could stay the night before I left,” Zoe admitted, but she was smiling, tucking a strand of her hair behind her ear. “I still need to give your present, you know.”_ _

__Alana stared at her. “You got me a present?” she asked, panic rising in her. “I didn’t get you anything, I -”_ _

__“It’s only a necklace,” Zoe assured her. “It’s - it’s nothing too fancy, but I thought you might like it. And you’re my girlfriend now. That’s enough of a present for me.”_ _

__Her heart wouldn’t ever settle again, Alana thought, listening to it pound in her chest, the words gone from her mouth._ _

__“...I’m still getting you something in the new year,” she ended up saying, and Zoe laughed again, and Alana -_ _

__Alana couldn’t help but laugh as well, and kiss her new girlfriend as her steady heartbeat echoed around in her ears, and she thought, just for a moment, about how everything seemed to be just right._ _

**Author's Note:**

> Lou I hoped you liked this and if you didn't well I know to try harder for your birthday don't I?
> 
> I hope you've enjoyed this fic! If you have any questions, liked the fic, have feedback or noticed any mistakes, post in the comments below, or at my tumblr [here](http://princedrewwrites.tumblr.com). I'm on there pretty often now. Or, if you just liked the fic and don't want to say anything, just leave a kudos. There's no pressure either way.


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